Discarded
Each year I write a Purim story. Loosely (ok, sometimes exactly) based on events in the shul or the people involved in the shul. This year, i began with thie following story. Unfortunately, its not very funny, so i need to discard it and write another story.
The key to the story, though, is the layout. It looks like a page of Gemara in the shape of an Absolut bottle, with multiple commentaries discussing the story.
My problem with releasing the story today is that it can be saved with proper commentaries. But I think the story needs to be rewritten, and so, my fellow bloggers, I present you with the first edition of Signs, the New Purim Story.
I have promised my fans (OK, the four people in shul who have been asking when this is coming out for the last month...you know who you are) that the 2005 Purim story will be coming out Tuesday, but it is going to have to be written from scratch, so feel free to read through the discarded story, post your comments, or just move along.
Have a happy Purim.
And so it was the Micha and Leslie were away from shul for the 127th shabbos in a row. And no one noticed that Leslie wasn’t there, since she rarely came to shul. But Micha was so tall and the lights reflected off his bald head, that everyone knew he wasn’t there. And the rabbi stood before the congregation and he said to them. Let it be known that as far as I am concerned, the United Torah Judaism can go to hell. For they have sold out Torah, and I have no patience for them. Not them, or their leader, the holy rav. And they are all hypocrites, and I would not want to be standing next to them in a rain storm, for there will be thunder and lightning, and the lightning will strike them. And the rabbi finished speaking, and most of the congregation awoke, and realized that since there was no one standing in the front of the shul, it must be time to Daven Mussaf. And so the people arose from their seat, and stood for Mussaf. And the Chazzan said Kaddish, and everyone who had heard the speech forgot about it.
And so it was the next day, at a place called Kollel, which was located less than 1 mile from the Young Israel of Oak Park. And a man stood their with a sign, and he hung up the sign. And the sign said, let it be known that there is a young rav in town who has no portion in the world to come. This young rav has called the holy rav a hypocrite. Let there never be anyone who questions the authority of the rav. And people saw the sign, and it was taken off the wall. But others saw the sign on the sink next to the bulletin board, and they hung it back up. And then it was taken down again. And so it went for the entire day, until finally it was torn up, and tossed in the trash. And the young rav heard about the sign, and he was chagrined.
The following Shabbat, the rabbi stood up in shul, before the congregation, and he said I was wrong. And the people who normally fell asleep when the rabbi began to speak stayed awake, for they wanted to hear what the rabbi was wrong about. And the rabbi continued. I should not have called the holy rav a hypocrite by name. Even if I believe that he is kicking the torah in the mud when he takes the government money, and has let us all down, I should not have said that, for if I continue to say such things, there will be a collection of rabbis who will ban everything that I write, and say that I am an Apikores, and there is no way to fight it, because there is no checks and balance system to ensure that our holy rabbis do not run amok and out of control.
And so it was, the week after the rabbi apologized, there were no signs saying that he had no portion in the world to come. And the Rabbi made another speech, and he said to his shul. members of the shul, we have a cancer here. We have a cancer that needs to be cut out. That cancer is Kiddush Club. And it is up to you to ban the club, and make the member feel unwelcome. but I will not ban Kiddush club, because I know that whoever tries to fight the Kiddush Club, needs to find a new job.
During that week, the young rav started to think, and he came up with a plan. He wrote in his shul newsletter that the sign writer was wrong. And he was a coward for not signing the sign. And there was another mini uproar, because in the newsletter, the young rabbi threatened to hang up a sign of his own. And the people who came to shul that week found a sign in shul. And the Young rav wrote, “Whoever has written the sign, let them meet me behind the shul parking lot, and I will kick your ass.” And the people in shul were very proud of there rav, who had taken a stand against the anonymous sign writer who was defending the voice of torah, which had run unchecked for quite some time.
That Shabbos, the kiddush club hatched a plan. They would give kiddush for the entire shul, and boost their popularity. And after davening, at the kiddush, which was given by the kiddush club, the rabbi would stand before the whole shul, and make kiddush. And the kiddush club would have legitimacy. And the rabbi would be defeated. And the kiddush club would go on. And so it was. And the Rabbi stood before the shul, and he made Kiddush at the Kiddush sponsored by the Kiddush Club. And the rabbi was upset, for he felt that he had been disrespected by the kiddush club, to which he was actually a dues-paying member.
And so it was the following Shabbos, when the rabbi stood before the whole shul and made kiddush. At the very kiddush that the kiddush club had given. The same kiddush club that he had tried to ban. But before he made Kiddush the rabbi issued another challenge. Let anyone who dares hang a sign against me meet me in the parking lot behind the shul. And let anyone who thinks that my making Kiddush here at the kiddush of the kiddush club that I have banned means that I endorse this kiddush club know that I do not endorse the club. Nor do i believe in the club. And if you want to take that up with me, I will meet you in the paring lot behind the shul too. And I will kick your ass also.
The next week at the Kollel, there was a new sign hanging up. And the sign said There is a young rav in town who said the word ass at a kiddush, and he was not talking about bilaams donkey. Nor was he talking about loading thy neighbors ass. Or the punishment of checking out thy neighbors ass. And that Young Rav should have no portion in the world to come. For he used profanity and it was in front of the whole shul. Including children. and women. For that rabbi is the leader of a congregation of sinners who willingly have kiddush in mixed company. With women there.
And the rabbi was perturbed, and vexed, by the anonymous sign hanger. And he put up another sign. And he wrote “the jackass who hung up the sign at the kollel should meet me on Casino Night. And I will have a hand of nothing but a pair of threes, and I will bluff you so that you lose. And the rabbi signed his sign with the name The Young Rav. And the Rabbi hung up the sign at Young Israel. And at the Kollel. And at every jewish establishment in the entire community. Including the Mikveh, in case it was a woman sign hanger. And he said if it was a woman, he would kick her ass too.
And so it was on Casino night. And despite all the planning and hard of the committee, there were 27 people there that night. And 23 were volunteers. And one was the Rabbi. And the rabbi knew that one of the other three people playing poker with him was the anonymous sign hanger upper. And so he decided to challenge them all, but they all denied it. So he said that he would play strip poker with them, and the loser would be the person he would beat up. And Gil was the dealer, and he did not like it one bit. But he dealt the cards, and after four hands, it was clear that the rabbi was going to lose all his clothes and his dignity. So Gil decided to save the rabbi his dignity, and claim to be the sign hanger. And the Rabbi took Gil out back, to savagely beat him up. And Gil let him do it, for the good of the shul, and the good of the community, and the good of the kiddush club.
And the next week, there was a new sign. And the new sign said that their would be no more signs, and that the Young Rav had beaten up the wrong person. And the Young Rav tore down the sign, and started to clean the shul for Pesach.
The key to the story, though, is the layout. It looks like a page of Gemara in the shape of an Absolut bottle, with multiple commentaries discussing the story.
My problem with releasing the story today is that it can be saved with proper commentaries. But I think the story needs to be rewritten, and so, my fellow bloggers, I present you with the first edition of Signs, the New Purim Story.
I have promised my fans (OK, the four people in shul who have been asking when this is coming out for the last month...you know who you are) that the 2005 Purim story will be coming out Tuesday, but it is going to have to be written from scratch, so feel free to read through the discarded story, post your comments, or just move along.
Have a happy Purim.
And so it was the Micha and Leslie were away from shul for the 127th shabbos in a row. And no one noticed that Leslie wasn’t there, since she rarely came to shul. But Micha was so tall and the lights reflected off his bald head, that everyone knew he wasn’t there. And the rabbi stood before the congregation and he said to them. Let it be known that as far as I am concerned, the United Torah Judaism can go to hell. For they have sold out Torah, and I have no patience for them. Not them, or their leader, the holy rav. And they are all hypocrites, and I would not want to be standing next to them in a rain storm, for there will be thunder and lightning, and the lightning will strike them. And the rabbi finished speaking, and most of the congregation awoke, and realized that since there was no one standing in the front of the shul, it must be time to Daven Mussaf. And so the people arose from their seat, and stood for Mussaf. And the Chazzan said Kaddish, and everyone who had heard the speech forgot about it.
And so it was the next day, at a place called Kollel, which was located less than 1 mile from the Young Israel of Oak Park. And a man stood their with a sign, and he hung up the sign. And the sign said, let it be known that there is a young rav in town who has no portion in the world to come. This young rav has called the holy rav a hypocrite. Let there never be anyone who questions the authority of the rav. And people saw the sign, and it was taken off the wall. But others saw the sign on the sink next to the bulletin board, and they hung it back up. And then it was taken down again. And so it went for the entire day, until finally it was torn up, and tossed in the trash. And the young rav heard about the sign, and he was chagrined.
The following Shabbat, the rabbi stood up in shul, before the congregation, and he said I was wrong. And the people who normally fell asleep when the rabbi began to speak stayed awake, for they wanted to hear what the rabbi was wrong about. And the rabbi continued. I should not have called the holy rav a hypocrite by name. Even if I believe that he is kicking the torah in the mud when he takes the government money, and has let us all down, I should not have said that, for if I continue to say such things, there will be a collection of rabbis who will ban everything that I write, and say that I am an Apikores, and there is no way to fight it, because there is no checks and balance system to ensure that our holy rabbis do not run amok and out of control.
And so it was, the week after the rabbi apologized, there were no signs saying that he had no portion in the world to come. And the Rabbi made another speech, and he said to his shul. members of the shul, we have a cancer here. We have a cancer that needs to be cut out. That cancer is Kiddush Club. And it is up to you to ban the club, and make the member feel unwelcome. but I will not ban Kiddush club, because I know that whoever tries to fight the Kiddush Club, needs to find a new job.
During that week, the young rav started to think, and he came up with a plan. He wrote in his shul newsletter that the sign writer was wrong. And he was a coward for not signing the sign. And there was another mini uproar, because in the newsletter, the young rabbi threatened to hang up a sign of his own. And the people who came to shul that week found a sign in shul. And the Young rav wrote, “Whoever has written the sign, let them meet me behind the shul parking lot, and I will kick your ass.” And the people in shul were very proud of there rav, who had taken a stand against the anonymous sign writer who was defending the voice of torah, which had run unchecked for quite some time.
That Shabbos, the kiddush club hatched a plan. They would give kiddush for the entire shul, and boost their popularity. And after davening, at the kiddush, which was given by the kiddush club, the rabbi would stand before the whole shul, and make kiddush. And the kiddush club would have legitimacy. And the rabbi would be defeated. And the kiddush club would go on. And so it was. And the Rabbi stood before the shul, and he made Kiddush at the Kiddush sponsored by the Kiddush Club. And the rabbi was upset, for he felt that he had been disrespected by the kiddush club, to which he was actually a dues-paying member.
And so it was the following Shabbos, when the rabbi stood before the whole shul and made kiddush. At the very kiddush that the kiddush club had given. The same kiddush club that he had tried to ban. But before he made Kiddush the rabbi issued another challenge. Let anyone who dares hang a sign against me meet me in the parking lot behind the shul. And let anyone who thinks that my making Kiddush here at the kiddush of the kiddush club that I have banned means that I endorse this kiddush club know that I do not endorse the club. Nor do i believe in the club. And if you want to take that up with me, I will meet you in the paring lot behind the shul too. And I will kick your ass also.
The next week at the Kollel, there was a new sign hanging up. And the sign said There is a young rav in town who said the word ass at a kiddush, and he was not talking about bilaams donkey. Nor was he talking about loading thy neighbors ass. Or the punishment of checking out thy neighbors ass. And that Young Rav should have no portion in the world to come. For he used profanity and it was in front of the whole shul. Including children. and women. For that rabbi is the leader of a congregation of sinners who willingly have kiddush in mixed company. With women there.
And the rabbi was perturbed, and vexed, by the anonymous sign hanger. And he put up another sign. And he wrote “the jackass who hung up the sign at the kollel should meet me on Casino Night. And I will have a hand of nothing but a pair of threes, and I will bluff you so that you lose. And the rabbi signed his sign with the name The Young Rav. And the Rabbi hung up the sign at Young Israel. And at the Kollel. And at every jewish establishment in the entire community. Including the Mikveh, in case it was a woman sign hanger. And he said if it was a woman, he would kick her ass too.
And so it was on Casino night. And despite all the planning and hard of the committee, there were 27 people there that night. And 23 were volunteers. And one was the Rabbi. And the rabbi knew that one of the other three people playing poker with him was the anonymous sign hanger upper. And so he decided to challenge them all, but they all denied it. So he said that he would play strip poker with them, and the loser would be the person he would beat up. And Gil was the dealer, and he did not like it one bit. But he dealt the cards, and after four hands, it was clear that the rabbi was going to lose all his clothes and his dignity. So Gil decided to save the rabbi his dignity, and claim to be the sign hanger. And the Rabbi took Gil out back, to savagely beat him up. And Gil let him do it, for the good of the shul, and the good of the community, and the good of the kiddush club.
And the next week, there was a new sign. And the new sign said that their would be no more signs, and that the Young Rav had beaten up the wrong person. And the Young Rav tore down the sign, and started to clean the shul for Pesach.
posted by Air Time at 10:41 PM
6 Comments:
You are amazingly disturbed.
Air: Looking forward for this years' installment. I have the last two years archived- together with all my archived original Friday Air Times. (you remember when I made up an indexed and linked list?)
Perhaps you'll help me find a life.
How close to the truth is this???
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Great story..The only problem is the Timeline..Casino Night happens after Pesach..but it does hav it humorous moments throughout the tale
I was really glad to see the final vodka bottle edition. This whole blogging thing is great, especially for you (and the I that once was) whom words flow like honey from your mouth, but I miss the hardcopy that I printed out every week or so. Also, you don't get any good He Said / She Said, Boruch, or other Daniel stories in the blog version. We want Air Time back - in the original format!
Happy Purim,
Mort
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