To Call or Not to Call

My sister in law's husband, also known as my wife's sister's husband, also known as Spencer, more known around this blog as Spencer Lewis of the London Lewis', but most commonly refered to as uncle spencer due to his old age and our reluctance to call him Mr Lewis since he did marry my wife's sister, lost his grandmother last week.

It was unfortunate for a number of reasons, chief among them that she died at home alone, and under british law, that means they had to perform an autopsy.

Now that is all done with, and she has been sewed back together and buried, so the Shiva is on. Now, since the loss was his grandmother, he is not sitting shiva, his mother is, so technically speaking, he is not in mourning.

Which means there is no mitzvah to call him.

Which makes me hesitant to call.

Here are the facts. I don't like my brother in law. I don't dislike him. I am apathetic toward him, and were it not for the fact that he married my sister in law, I can't imagine a circumstance where we would have ever met.

They live in England, so the issue of our non-friendship in a non-issue. No one cares, we have nothing in common, and that is completely fine with both of us. If somehow we end up on the phone at the same time, which has happened on occasion, we can pleasantly say hello, how are you, and pass the phone on to our respective spouses.

When we see each other, I complain about him to my wife, and I imagine he complains about me to his wife. My wife tells me to grow up, and his wife probably says the same thing to him.

What we have is a very comfortable non friendship.

Which brings us back to his grandmother. If I call, and talk to him, and pretend to show a genuine interest in him and how he is feeling, what if he decides to open up to me. I don't want that. That's what his buddies in England are for.

I am going to see him in a few weeks for Pesach, and I can express condolences for his loss in person, in a way that will ensure that there is no opportunity to open up to one another, like in the living room before a meal when we are being ushered to the table.

On the other hand, what if it were my grandmother who died. Would I want Spencer to call? Come to think of it, my other Grandmother did die about two years ago, and I don't remember him calling me to express wishes of condolence.

So that settles it. I will not be calling Uncle Spencer this week. I will just acknowledge his loss when I see him next.