Friday Night Races - Part IX

Things started to change after David died. I missed him, and it surprised me. For the past four years, he had been one of my closest friends. For the past few months, we had been partners and roommates. In moments of weakness, or maybe moments of honesty, I felt bad for the way it ended between us. But I made a promise. A promise that was almost finished.

Three down. One to go.

I once asked a rebbi what God felt like when he killed the first born Egyptians. Was it power, control, dominance? My rebbi said it felt like nothing. To God, killing was the same as creating. God has no feelings.

But now I knew differently. Killing was God-like. It was all about power. When you choose to end someone’s life, and go through with it, it changes you. It makes you godly.

I didn’t know what I believed about god anymore. But I knew about Godlike power. I reveled in it. And feared it.

Three down, I thought. After today, it would be all over.

I felt a familiar rush go through me. The same rush I had when I switched Sruli’s medication at the hospital. The same rush I felt when I tampered with Chaim’s car. The same rush as setting up David and Vlady.

Today was payback day. Payback for eight years of torture. Of the four of them, Moshe was the worst offender. Every day, from fourth grade onward, he bullied me in his own unique way. Sometimes he would lock me in a locker. Sometimes he would lie about me and get me in trouble. Other times he would push me around and hit me.

Once, feeling particularly cruel, he rubbed my sandwich in mud, and forced me to eat it.

I had been waiting for this day ever since.

He had taken the most pleasure in torturing me. He was the ringleader of the four of them. And today he was going to die.

I looked across the room. Shanna was still there. There was no place else for her to go. Her parents weren’t talking to her, and her school had kicked her out after finding catching her sitting on a boys lap in a hotel lobby. She stayed after David disappeared. I thought about kicking her out, but I liked having another person around. I wasn’t sure what she did all day; I think she worked in a pizza shop or something. Some place where she didn’t need a work visa.

I never told her the truth about David. The police had been by in the weeks after he was killed, and asked questions. They searched his room, found some drug paraphernalia, and filed a report. I never heard anything from them again.

Moshe was still on a religious kick, but when I talked to him on the phone, I knew he was in pain, suffering from the loss of social network. He talked about how great he was feeling and doing, but when I told him David was involved in a drug deal gone bad and had to run away, I could hear the cracks in his voice.

We made plans to get together, and hike. To Har Arbel. Just the two of us. I convinced him that a day off would be good for him. Get some fresh air.

I picked him up in my car, and we drove north to past the Kinneret. We found a lot, and parked the car. We began to hike up the mountain.

Years of hard work to get myself into Moshe’s little clique were about to pay off. I started off by getting close to Sruli in ninth grade, and after he was dead, I worked my way into full group membership.

We reached the top, and looked out over the valley.

I lit a cigarette, and offered one to him. It was the least I could do. I stood up and started walking toward the edge of the cliff.

For our other three friends, I had set events in motion that would lead to their deaths. This one would be different. This one, I would have to be an active participant. No one else to do the dirty work.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” I began. “About that whole finding God and confession and feeling good about yourself. Is that stuff true?”

“Yeah,” he smiled, relaxing. He inhaled his cigarette, and put his backpack on the ground. “For weeks I couldn’t close my eyes without picturing Chaim in his car. Since I started learning, I’ve decided to trust that Hashem did what was right. It could have been any one of us. For some reason he chose Chaim.”

Moshe turned around, and pointed out to the valley. “See all this around us. Hashem created it. We owe it to him to learn his Torah and keep his Mitzvos.”

A part of me was glad he put his bag on the ground. He always kept two packs of cigarettes and some cash in his bag. No sense throwing that stuff off the cliff.

There was no one around. It was cold outside and there were no tourists to be found. As Moshe continued to talk about God and beauty, I looked behind me, to the left and right. It was all clear. And I pushed him over the edge.

I stood over the edge of the cliff, and watched as his body spun downward, hitting the side of the cliff and bouncing away from it. His downward flight felt like forever, and I could barely see his body as it crashed on the ground below.

Promises made. Promises kept.

I went through his bag, took out the cigarettes and the cash. He had a cell phone in his bag, and I called the police. And waited.

-----

What next, I wondered, as I sat on the top of the cliff, feet dangling dangerously over the side. There were no more demons to exorcise. In killing off the enemies of my youth, I had sacrificed the friends of my adolescence.

I wanted to feel Godlike power; instead I felt waves of regret.

Could I ever have a normal life? Did I want one? For the first time, I thought maybe I would be better off in jail. As the police officer approached, I thought about what I would tell him.

For some reason, I pictured Shanna sitting in my apartment all alone.

And I chose freedom.

This is the final chapter in Friday Night Races. The preceding was a work of fiction. You can catch the story from the beginning by clicking on the The Race under Friday Night Races on the sidebar.